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2 of 3 today [17 Jul 2008|06:15am]

steftechintello


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unsatisfied and unhappy pt. 10 [16 Jul 2008|09:27am]

comebackxchris
"I've told myself
So many times
Not to turn into the type
But I've found
Is it too late?
Has my time come?
Sometimes I think I'm losin' it
Am I the only one?

Understanding, more like demanding
Where do the grey skies end?

So should I stay
Or fly away
The wings that I begin to grow
Will surely let me know
How far I have to go
And I'll be there"

I feel incapable of ever finding the means to get out of here on my own. it's closer now, but still far away. i just want to pack up and leave and start somewhere new, preferably with someone I love, a best friend. I feel like the best orlando has to offer me has come and gone and I'm watching everyone else enjoy their youth. I'm sick of living far away and feeling detached, I'm sick of being far from my best friend, I'm sick of sitting around here. I do not want to live and die in orlando, as wonderful as it has been to me up until the last year.
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[16 Jul 2008|12:28pm]
stolefromclark
Well, I'm currently sitting on the benches of an office building. As of right now it is my office building too because I work here. At least, I start to at 8:30am. But I'm early, tony dropped me off a little while ago so I'm killing time. Its a job I came for an interview last week or the week before for a secretary position, and they didn't hire me, but they said they'd keep my application in case something else showed up and it did. I'm not sure why kind of a job it is, but I know it involves making phone calls. The kittens are good, just hanging out. Sarah took the orange one last night and I have to tell brian to pick up his today or tomorrow. I actually hung out with steph on monday. She and her two friends came over for a bit, we watched the spiderwick chronicles and brian came cos I invited him. Then we all went to james's house and had fun, the boys and steph played rock band. Me and the other girls, alex and a girl named dayana came later on, were just chillin. Dayana was hitting on Steph because she likes her. Even though she's 24 and steph turned 18 5 months ago. Alex and I were just chatting, she's a nice person. Thought my sister was hot haha. Umm, ariel and I are good. Her phone got shut off and so we don't talk as much, cos I can only reach her if she's on aim and I don't like talking to her on aim. Her laptop wire is breaking and when that's done the computer is finished, so ill only have one way of reaching her and that is to call her house. She came over last night, her uncle dropped her, and we ate these awesome grilled cheese sammiches. Then her friend came over. His name is um.. Scott. He was ok. Whatever. I just stayed in my room trying to catch some sleep by watching Law & Order. I got to sleep around 3. Woke up before 7:30. First time I'm up this early in agggges. And I lost my concealor, didn't have enough time to shower, I think my clothes mismatch (although my shirt is adoooorable!) and I'm just a freakoutfest. Ariel came last night with like, literally 6 pairs of pants for me. Three are dressy. It pwns. Cos those pants are expensive to buy, I was on a vair limited budget. I might get this dodge intrepid from my cousins husbands dealer soon, if my dad can come up with an extra $300. Or if I can. If I don't get fired from this job and work.. 4 days here. I hope its a full time job. Because if I'm making $400 a week then I can move out if I want to, or just pay off sooo many bills. Within a month I could pay off everything. My gym membership, my bank account (its like, negative $180), get my new retainer which is $200, get my car insurance, get some glasses, wax my eyebrows, and still have money leftover to put into savings for A TATTOO. WOOHOO. Heh. I already have the design and everything, I just need the like.. $200 or w/e. Although I might wait till my 3rd check for that because I wanna make sure I stay in my job and ill have the money to spend as well as save. I'd like to save up a LOT. My birthday is in 8 days. I didn't want to have a party but if I don't ill feel just as bad so I don't know what to do. And its on a thursday. What an unsexy day. Ariels birthday was on a friday, we rawked out. Ugh, anyway, its time to go to work. Wish me luck! Pray I don't get fired!
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players only love you when they're playin' [15 Jul 2008|05:44pm]

thebeesneeze
[ music | fleetwood mac ]

last page: my thoughts always come out in bursts of fragments, like a thousand tiny needles sprayed onto my linoleum kitchen floor struggling to find magnetic north.

see 2 pages previous (date unknown): i find i am often concerned about the things i do not know. i feel badly for not knowing them and consequently feel overwhelmed at where to start absorbing. therefore, i find it helpful (starting now)((when?)) to closely observe what is actually in front of me. things i know by observance, which will lead to inference from there i may research and begin to know. After i know, i am able to write what I think about things because i will have enough foresight to be trusted. but i must first have more trust in myself.

next page: the sound of the janitor in my photo building is emptying the garbage cans; filling them with new bags- shaking them open. from a distance this sounds like a ballet dance in black and white with no actual sound. transmission of sound directly to image occurring somewhere in brain. it is elegant and flowing like a pirouette mid air that will never again touch the stage. like a caress, or opening bottle of soda; or like your love slowly approaching you in the grass.

intermission: a larger thought on film development
fixing by inspection:
fix, check, fix, check, fix, check... until fixed. some film cannot ever fully be ‘fixed’ this way, though. if there was an error in development it cannot be fixed during the fix period. see also: character flaws due to childhood tragedy and a young bob dylan’s voice.

present- not yet on paper- still never having been in love. most days feeling guilty about things i have done but more about things i have not done. frustration due to lack of communication with people near me and too much communication with people far away from orlando, fl that i wish resided in orlando, fl. (new and old friends) speaking to too many people who tell me they are depressed and stuck, knowing the feeling, but to what extent? not ever being able to fully empathize with someone no matter how open my mind and heart are- wanting to be better for them. i could slice my chest open and bash my head on the ground until my guts and brain are pouring onto aforementioned linoleum kitchen floor and still not know 100%. not like simply orange is 100% orange and so satisfying. wanting to make so many things: instructional guide to free/creative thinking, a flip book, short film using overhead projector, new black and white portfolio. but what do i spend my time doing? indulging in lust and people and new bikes and alcohol and never feeling rested and craving amphetamines for “focus”. i blaze through my day and at the end of the night i am sitting in a pile of all my clothes on my DARK bedroom floor, too tired to pick them up and make space to be productive in and nothing has been made and maybe some feelings have been hurt. feelings of contentment are always so intense and short lived, like i assume the high of smack is. someone needs to give me a little smack in the face sometimes.

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2 weeks ago and i still think about it. [13 Jul 2008|07:01am]

steftechintello

I never want to forget that woman at the mallow bus stop. She had a black crew top, short, short white hair. Tall, soft, she had been a beautiful woman when she was young, and she is beautiful the way a memory is that is sweet. It was such a beautiful morning and I was watching her through the bus window. Her dark eyes deep in her face, hidden by her big soft cheeks, and the face contorted and she was gasping. She was weeping hard and intensely –silently. The young woman with the child behind her had no idea… she didn’t know. Was she waiting for someone to pick her up? Had she left someone? Was she returning here? She got off my bus, walked over to the bin, turned away slightly, looked down the road, and this wave of sadness washed over her face and she drowned in it and we all lost her.

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i wear your shirt when you aren't here [08 Jul 2008|07:25pm]
snapshot_____

We spend vast amounts of our days tossing and turning, stumbling through all the tangles and confusion. So much of life missed already and all we ever had to do was breathe. )
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[05 Jul 2008|05:53pm]
stolefromclark
Well, I don't know what to talk about. My lifes ok. I went to a job interview two days ago, and I did pretty good, but I'm underqualified so they most likely won't hire me. I really wanted it, too, its a secretarial position at a law office right down the street from my house, I just have to walk a bit and take one bus a few minutes. Sigh. Whatever. Ill keep looking then. There was this hugeee drama between ariel, brian, and colleen. Ariel met brian off craigslist, he came to a shindig we had, and he and colleen clicked. So ariel was sad he didn't like her, and brian was sad because colleen had a bf, etc. But then she kicked him out the next day, so her and brian started it up. Blah blah fast forward a week, and a lot of drama starts. Ariel does something Colleen feels betrayed by, so her and brian start talking shit about ariel, and colleen felt it was her duty to tell her. So ariel hates them both. Colleen hates her. Brian hates Ariel, too, so ariel hates them both and then brian and colleen hate each other. Finishing with colleen telling ariel things I told her in confidence, so ariel losing trust in me. I wake up one morning finding out colleen, ariel, and brian hate me. I was like uhh whut? Well, ariels a lot more selective about what she tells me but we don't talk about it. She spent the night the other day, and we just hung out. Ate whole wheat pasta with chicken, because she's dieting. Or trying. I'm not. Brian moved on to my best friend Sarah, who knows how I feel about him, so I don't think shed try anything but he's confessed to liking her, and I can see her trying not to. Well, anyway, she's only 16. He's 24. That's disgusting for him to be trying this. And very illegal. He was supposed to go to the beach with them today, but instead he might be going over now? Whatever. Sarah is still very emotionally attached to her ex, which brian is turned on by because he's insane. Whatever, I'm sticking out of this before another ariel/colleen/brian drama comes. Oh after that day I thought he hated me but he imed me saying he thinks only I care about him so far down here, and how I'm awesome, and how we're like totally bffez. Last night ariels friend justin took us to west palm beach, we saw fireworks and a short simple plan concert cos they're hardcore fans. It was cute. My uncles down here from nj. He's a truck driver. I think the last time I saw him was this time last year, he bought me skinny jeans as an early birthday present. He's staying at our house, in atilas room since he's not here. I saw him once last night when I came out of my room without pants on, stoned, and he saw me and yelled at me to put on some clothes. I said "hee hee" and then ran into my room. When I ran back out to say hi he was showering, then sleeping, and when I woke up today he had already taken the girls out somewhere. It makes me sad. I wish he did things for me. Or did things with me. My sister is madly in love with him, so I understand why he's always with her but he plays such blatant favoritism. Whatever. That's it for now, besides some fotoz.
The kitties, ariel when we were leaving last night, a simple plan member, brian being weird at sawgrass mall, and my mom.
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